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Now this, this was a party. A room full of ring rats, a handful of girls who've never had a complete thought between 'em. The drinks were coming steady, the giggles filled the room, and inane questions almost drowned out the music.

"So, like, what does it feel like when you get hit by those steel chairs?"

"Do you know Triple H? He's so hawt!"

"I saw somethin' on the news about 'roid rage... do those things really make you small... down there?"

Another round of drinks and giggles, and an offer to let her find out for herself.

The big man is, as always, stuffed into a dark back corner, looking miserable while everyone else has fun. Elsie's underage, but no one's getting carded here tonight. If there's one thing wrestlers can do, it's wrestle. But if there's a second thing, it's party. And Vegas is the place to do it.

The girls take their hobo out onto the dance floor, and the lights go down low. He pushes a few together because he likes to watch the grinding. So does Cage.

When the room lights back up, the girls find they have strange new feelings for Jack.

"Fuck!"

"That little cock-sucker left us with the bill!"

He's not the only one who's slipped out into the night. The redhead's always looking for some trouble too.

Cage shakes his head and shoves himself up out of his seat.

This is the beginning of the worst night ever. If you thought Katie Vick was tasteless, well... at least this one ends in a wedding.

Can't promise we'll uphold the sanctity of marriage, though.

So now we're at the police station. Elsie smiles for the camera. Jack has a good profile. Neither is the least bit sorry...

It began with Jack's bad idea. "What the country needs is a good scandal." He and Elsie had been ambushed by coverage of Paris Hilton, in the sense that they saw it briefly in a store window on their way to find someplace private to do something bad. "Something to spark imaginations."

"We're in public." She observed.

The window shattered, sparks from the television inside. Alarms singing, an invitation to see the show. Elsie had a winning smile. It had been her brick.

Flashback to the future, and we're back in prison.

Jack and Elsie are sharing a cell.

Something's gone terribly wrong...

"Wait. I changed my mind. Let's try out the shotgun - it'll only hurt until I die." Elsie was the blushing bride.

"This is for your own good." Rumbled her guardian. "Can't you tell by the smile on my face? Now shhh...the President is about to speak."

The man behind the microphones looked like the kind of older man who hung out at frat parties 20 years after everyone else left. A broken smirk made him look like an underground cartoon.

"Mah Feller Americans," He said, every word capitalized, as if he was just innocently discovering them for the first time, despite rehearsing in the shower for an hour every day of the week. "Many Have Said Marriage Is Obsolete, That It Needs Changed - Well, Maybe They're Right. Seems Like ANY Man and Woman Can Be Married These Days, Whether They're Good Christians Or Going To Hell - That Puts God In A Very Bad Position, When He Has To Break Families Apart, You Know. Jesus Weeps. But We Are Not Here To Talk About My New Legislation, No This Is A Happy Occasion - We Are About To Prove A Good Christian Marriage, Based In Love, Can Transform Lives For The Better!"

The applause sign accidentally told the audience to laugh, but once the mistake was discovered, the President wiped a tear from his eye, and continued - for several hours.

But where was the groom?