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Bright light city gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
Got a whole lot of money thats ready to burn,
So get those stakes up higher

There's a thousand pretty women waitin' out there
And they're all livin' devil may care
And I'm just the devil with love to spare

"VIVA LAS VEGAS, VIVA! LAS VEGAS "

Mutaaz: "Will you foolish children for the love of Allah pllleeeeeeeease stop singing that song! Yes the next show is in Las Vegas we all KNOW that, no need for the constant thirty second reminder!"

Stoner: "Sorry dude...."

Yasmin: "Yeah I mean we can just pop in "Reefer Madness" into the DVD player..."

Mutaaz: "NO. I am tired of that damn movie, yes I know everything is so old fashioned and lame and it's much more enjoyable to watch when you are baked like a fresh fucking cookie, but you all have watched that thirty million times."

Ghetto Fire: "Kay chill Hamma, what do you want to watch?"

Mutaaz: "Why I'm glad you asked."

Tareef changes the channel to Vh1.

Stoner: "Umm that might be a bad idea dude..."

Mutaaz: "Silence I need to keep up with my pop culture!"

ET Reporter Vanessa Minnillo: "Vanessa here bringing you up to date on what happened at the box office this weekend... Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End came in at number 4- raking in $12,411,786. Knocked Up is the third place holder taking in $14,069,880 while Ocean's Thirteen took the numero two spot piling up $19,724,405 and of course number uno on it's opening weekend cashing out a montrous $58,051,684- Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer."

Mutaaz: "Errrgh Vh1 sucked when it stopped playing music anyway. What's on that Music television that everyone in the world seems to watch?"

The new video by A.F.I is playing- "Missing Frame."

Mutaaz: "Aaah fuck this I need a nap."

Stoner: "But you just took a three hour one dude..."

Mutaaz: "You know what DUDE, I'll do whatever I goddamn well please around here, if I need a nap, then The Original Muslim Gangsta needs a mothafuckin' nap!"

Tareef storms up to his room where he remembers he should be quiet, because Alexxx was sleeping on his double king sized bed, not that they were doing the nasty but Alexxx had come in earlier to talk over things with Hammer, and of course Mutaaz obliged because what mentor wouldn't? That's what they do......

I'm serious

Mutaaz just takes a few quick seconds stop and look at Alexxx's beauty when she sleeps.

"Careful Mutaaz, don't want to do anything against Allah's will."

"Shit man, where did you come from?"

Jabbar: "Your door was open was it not?"

Mutaaz: "Well yeah, but..."

Jabbar: "You need to stop with the cursing Mutaaz."

Mutaaz: "Look I'm just a bit irritable since that post-match incident happened with that loser."

Jabbar: "Do you think that you actually do have something that belongs with Acolyte? Or is he really just trying to get inside your head?"

Mutaaz: "Haha, I've already had the 'inside the head' problem...but no my fears maybe over-exaggarrent..."

Not a real word, like I give a fuck it sounded good.

Mutaaz: "What I'm saying is that perhaps maybe it is not a 'thing' but more likely a..."

Jabbar: "Who."

Mutaaz: "Percisely."

And both of the devout Muslims glaze over at the sleeping Italian....

~~~~~~~~~

"I'll never leave you Alexandria!"

"That's my man..."

We see a scene where Alexxx is in a princess outfit and she is in a meadow with a man dressed entirely in yellow.

Alexxx: "You got that big championship match coming up in a couple of days at Mojakked."

Acolyte: "Yep I'm defending the World-Ultra-Mega Belt against Brickey and Batmanuel."

Alexxx: "That should be a classic."

Acolyte: "Yeah I just hope the match impresses Commissioner CA."

Alexxx: "Haha, hug me Cordazer..."

Acolyte then bearhugs Alexxx as she gasps for breath.

Alexxx: "Let..........go........of..................meeee."

Acolyte: "Never."

As Acolyte continues to hug/maul her the clouds turn to pitch black with green colored rain coming down.

But then far off in the distance a man comes in on a camel going at a steady 30 miles per hour; he gets closer and takes out an old-style Middle Eastern sword and as he passes by he decapitates Acolyte and picks up Alexxx onto his camel in one fell swoop.

Alexxx's parents then show up in the background and wave the two good-bye as they gouge out the eyes of Acolyte's severed head and eat the cornea's.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Alexxx...oooh Aleeeexxxx....WAKE UP INFIDEL!"

Alexxx: "Huh, what?"

Jabbar: "You were having a terrible nightmare."

Alexxx: "Huh? Where's Hammer, how could you tell?"

Jabbar: "Your foot was twitching with excessive force."

Alexxx: "Oh..."

Jabbar: "I've been told I'm extremely good at telling the meanings of people's dreams..."

Aexxx: "Well I'm sure I could get it later, but I wouldn't mind knowing right now..."

Alexxx then explains all the things that happened in the dream with extreme detail. Jabbar told her interesting things like that the Yellow-ness of Aco represented what color she thought he was on the inside and that the part about her parents was about the fact that she knew she was returning home and she was going to visit her parents' gravesite and that the eating of the eyeballs stood for the fact that she was excited about being in Las Vegas and would probably celebrate by feasting...

Alexxx: "Wow..."

Jabbar: "I know, I guarantee that 98% of what I just said is correct."

Alexxx: "Oh I'm sure you're right...."

You want a cliffhanger I'll give you one...

Hammer notices something in the fridge and shouts loud enough that probably the vast amount of the vast desert could hear his issue.

"WE ARE ALL OUT OF RED FRUIT-PUNCH GATORADE!"

Red Fruit Punch Gatorade has become Mutaaz Tareef's favorite drink in recent weeks. So much so that he refuses to drink anything else. Hammer's a little obsessive-complusive about that sort of thing...personally, I prefer to switch up my drink of choice on a regular basis. For example, I used to drink all sorts of different beers and bourbons and things of that nature. Now, I drink lots of different diet sodas and drinks with "zero" at the end because I'm trying to lose weight.

It's working, thanks for asking! But this story isn't about me, it's about Hammer. And to a lesser degree Acolyte, Alexxx, Muhammad Jabbar & Ghetto Grass.

Hammer: Stoner, drive us to the nearest convenience store!

Stoner: But you wanted us to park here for the night so-

Hammer: Damn it man, just do it!

Sure enough, Stoner starts the X-Press. After about an hour of nothing (come on, you think there's lots of stuff on a road between Boise and Vegas?), they finally come up on a convenience store called the Quik-Stop. While it is dark outside, we still see two somewhat familiar looking men standing outside said Quik-Stop...

Jay: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Mother mother fuck. Mother mother fuck fuck. Mother fuck mother fuck.
Noise noise noise.
1 2 1 2 3 4
Noise noise noise.
Smokin weed, smokin weed.
Doin' coke, drinkin beers.
Drinkin beers, beers beers.
Rollin' fatties, smokin blunts.
Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts.
Rollin' blunts and smokin um'

Stoner: Hey dude, got some weed?

Jay: 15 bucks, little man, put that shit in my hand.
If that money doesn't show then you owe me owe me owe.
My jungle love.
Oh e oh e oh.
I think I wanna know ya know ya ... yeah, what.

Why are Jay & Silent Bob in the Nevada desert? Why the hell not?

While Stoner buys some weed, Hammer purchases several cases of Fruit Punch Gatorade, ordering Ghetto Fire & Yasmin to take it out of the store on two-wheelers.

Yasmin: Who drinks this much Gatorade in two weeks?

Hammer: I do!

Ghetto Fire: Dude, nobody could drink this much Gatorade in a couple months, let alone two weeks.

Hammer: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be.

Yasmin: Office?

Hammer: Yeah, I love that show! It really hits home for me.

Ghetto Fire: How? You've never had an office job, you've never-

Hammer: Shut it!

After loading some of the Fruit Punch Gatorade into the fridge (or at least supervising Ghetto Fire & Stoner doing so), Hammer heads back upstairs to his room with a different flavor of Gatorade for his favorite student.

Alexxx: Riptide Rush! How'd you know?

Hammer: Call it a lucky guess. Or maybe I just noticed a bunch of those bottles in my garbage can this morning. Either way!

Alexxx giggles while Hammer removes his turban and places it on top of his television set. Looking into Hammer's eyes as he hands her the Riptide Rush, Alexxx feels something that she hasn't felt in a long time. Not even with the vocally talented Mr. Havok.

Alexxx: Hey, Mutaaz...there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

Hammer looks down at Alexxx, smiles and sits down on the bed across from her. Looking deep into her beautiful eyes, Hammer feels a confidence that he hasn't felt in a long time. Not even with the lovely Miss Alba.

Hammer: You don't need to say it. I know what you're feeling, and I feel the same way.

Alexxx: Really?

Hammer: Oh yeah.

Hammer gets up off the bed, reaches into his nightstand drawer and pulls out a doorknob holder. He doesn't know why he even bothers because it doesn't seem to work, but he still takes the precaution of placing the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the doorknob...

---------

After unloading all of the Gatorade, Ghetto Fire heads back to his chair and opens up his cell phone. After listening to a message, Ghetto Fire leaves the bus without anybody noticing and heads behind the Quik-Stop.

As for how Acolyte knows where they are...the Praise Allah X-Press really isn't that hard to follow out of town. He leans against the wall and a hint of a smile crosses his face when he sees his old friend.

Acolyte: I wasn't sure you'd show up.

Ghetto Fire: Your voice mail interested me. Cause, you know, you haven't talked to us in like a year or something.

Acolyte: Has it been that long? I asked you to meet with me because...well, you know I've got a match coming up with Hammer at EndGame.

Ghetto Fire: My two favorite people.

Acolyte: How is your relationship with Hammer these days?

Ghetto Fire: He treats us all like shit. Well, not all of us...

Acolyte: I had a feeling that'd be the case.

Ghetto Fire: Aco, I saw your video at Havoc...if you think that Alexxx is going to take you back, I think you're going to be disappointed. I don't think she'll ever forgive you for what you did to her.

Acolyte: You sure? I always found her to be very forgiving.

Ghetto Fire: She isn't the girl you used to know, man. She's changed a lot since then. We all have.

Acolyte: I guess so.

Ghetto Fire: So what's your deal? Why aren't you like following Dante around or whatever it is you Hellfire guys are up to now?

Acolyte: Dude, I'm staying out of that whole thing with Dante & Darkness. Those guys...neither of them have really been right lately, y'know?

Ghetto Fire: I getcha.

Acolyte: I was wondering if I could count on you guys at Endgame.

Ghetto Fire: I don't think that's going to happen.

Acolyte: Come on man, you're taking Hammer's side? Don't you remember what he did to Camo? That guy put us together and Hammer damn near killed him!

Ghetto Fire: I remember.

Acolyte: And what he did to GQ? GQ's always had our back, no matter how annoying he might have been sometimes! You're going to take the side of the guy who took out two of our best friends?

Ghetto Fire: I didn't say I was taking Hammer's side.

Acolyte: Well, if nothing else, if you guys could stay out of it?

Ghetto Fire: I don't plan on getting involved. I also don't plan on speaking on behalf of anybody. If you want to talk to the others, they haven't changed their phone numbers either.

Acolyte: Thanks man.

Ghetto Fire: Don't mention it. Seriously.

Ghetto Fire nods at Acolyte and walks off into the distance. Acolyte opens his cell phone and hits the button that brings up his contact list. He hasn't called the first person on his list in ages, but now seems as good a time as any...

----------

Meanwhile, back at the Praise Allah X-Press we see Hammer & Alexxx lying together in Hammer's double king-sized bed.

Alexxx: Wow, we should have done that a long time ago.

Hammer: Indeed.

Alexxx: I'm gonna go get a drink. Need anything?

Hammer: Sure, get me a-

Alexxx: Fruit Punch Gatorade?

Hammer: Mmmhmmm.

Alexxx kisses Hammer on the cheek and gets up out of bed, heading downstairs towards the fridge. Hammer begins to do some stretches because his back isn't feeling all that great at the moment...

"Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere"

Alexxx's cell phone starts ringing. Hammer always was a Journey fan...you wouldn't believe the crap he got for it in high school. Oddly enough, Journey wasn't that popular in the Watts section of Los Angeles. He flips the phone open and chuckles to himself when he sees the name of his Endgame opponent on the screen.

Hammer could never help being a shit disturber...

Hammer: I'm sorry, but Alexxandra can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.

Beep!

Acolyte thinks for a second or two whether to continue to leave a message or just hang up and try again later.

He goes with the former...like a dumbass, who the fuck leaves messages nowadays that aren't TEXT or an Instant one.

Acolyte: "Hey Alexxx, just me, call me back when you get a chance so we can talk over things...well later."

On the other end of the line Hammer had finally let his laughter go after he closed the phone.

Alexxx comes back in the room.

Alexxx: "What's so funny?"

Hammer: "Oh nothing, just a little white emo birdie whispered a joke to me, thanks for the Gatorade."

Alexxx: "No problem."

Back downstairs, everyone had made their way back on from nearly coming close to buying out all of Quik-Stop's chips and Gatorade aisle (not like people don't get those for free anyway).

Yasmin: "Is everyone on the bus?...Oh wait, where's Jabbar?"

Jabbar: "Have now fear Muhammad is here."

Stoner: "What took ya so long dude?"

Jabbar: "Well I had to use the restroom- really bad and even though it's for employees only, the nice cashier let me use it, so I go to use it in the back of the store, but they don't have the right kind of toilet paper, so I had the cashier get me a free roll, but then I realized I had no reading material, so I go to grab Muslims Monthly but end up with a King magazine...And I think I may've saw a picture of DeSean's ex-girlfriend in there, I nearly collapsed in the bathroom."

Stoner: "Hilarious stuff man..."

"Anyone mind if we crash the party?"

Stoner: "HELL NO I DO-NOT-MIND."

Back in Hammer's room Alexxx's is sitting on the edge of Hammer's bed and checking to see if she didn't see miss any calls during the day...and lookey what we have here....

Alexxx: "What the hell, Cordazer called me?"

Hammer laughs at remembering what he had just done to Acolyte a few minutes ago, and he forgot Aco's real name.

Hammer: "Oh really?"

Alexxx: "You don't sound surprised..."

Hammer: *whistles "Don't Stop Believin"*

Alexxx: "Did you delete a message he left?"

Hammer: "Nope it's all saved up here."

He points to his thick skull.

Alexxx: "Well what'd he say?"

Hammer: "And I quote 'Alexxx I'm desperate without you and I'm a dickhole who should kill myself and waa waa waa."

Alexxx: "Haha good impression..."

Hammer: "I do my best babe.."

Now let's check what emo boy is up to...

Acolyte: "Why the hell was Hammer on her answer thing...hmm."

The man all dressed in white, goes behind the X-Press and climbs up the ladder and gets on top of the roof, he tries to makes his way towards the secret latch that goes straight down into the bathroom. But then...

The bus starts to move

Hammer also notices that the bus has started motion again and goes out to the edge of the upstairs so he can see what's going on and if everyone has made onto the vehicle, cause you know Hammer is the caring type of guy.

What?!

He sees Stoner, Ghetto, Yasmin & Jabbar and starts to do the math & logic...

Hammer: "Hey......Who's driving the bus?"

Ghetto: "Jay."

Hammer: "Who?"

Ghetto: "You know that cool dude who was singing outside the Quik-Stop."

Hammer: "Ah...Kay."

Mutaaz is feeling very carefree now giving his new and improved circumstances.

~In the Driver's Cockpit~

Jay: "Fuck did I even go to fucking driving school?"

Silent Bob: *shakes head*

Ghetto Fire walks in.

Jay: "Eh what the fuck, you want some fucking weed?"

Ghetto: "Naw I got my stash in my room..."

Jay: "Suit your fucking self."

Ghetto: "Hey Bob can I talk to ya."

Silent Bob: *nods yes*

Ghetto takes the fat man to his room, and I'm sure Ghetto is going to be looking for insightful stuff from the Silent One..

~See how all of that unfolds next time on...The Sopranos.~

Ghetto Fire takes a puff from his blunt.

Ghetto Fire: I know you're a wise man. I need some advice about something.

Silent Bob looks inquisitively.

Silent Bob: You're probably expecting some big fuckin speech like I did in Chasing Amy, right?

Ghetto Fire: Could you?

Silent Bob: Not gonna happen. Between you and me, I really don't give a shit anymore. The only reason I play this fuckin silent stoner character and hang out with that skinny fuck is that it makes me lots and lots of money. Remember Jersey Girl?

Ghetto Fire: Uhhhhhhh....I didn't see that one.

Silent Bob: Neither did anybody else! 10 million dollars for Affleck, 4 mill for J-Lo, and they can't even bother to stay together so I can promote the fucking movie! Everybody loved Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay & Silent Bob! But the one time I take a chance and do something different, everyone shits on it! So now I just make what everybody wants to see and watch the money roll in.

Ghetto Fire: Makes sense.

Silent Bob: I don't give a fuck, man. It's all about the benjamins.

Ghetto Fire: So what should I do?

Silent Bob: Do something. I don't care what you do, but don't spend your life smoking yourself fuckin retarded and not doing a damn thing with yourself.

Silent Bob gets up and heads towards the front of the bus to hang out with his heterosexual life partner Jay. Ghetto Fire remains in his room and continues to smoke his doobie while wishing that the author of this story could have found the trnscript of Bob's speech from Chasing Amy.

Upstairs, Alexxx heads towards the bathroom. She opens the door and sees...

Alexxx: Cordazer?

Acolyte: Hi!

The normally taciturn Acolyte is turned into a quivering mess by the sudden appearance of Alexxx. He takes a bunch of papers out of his pockets.

Acolyte: Alexxx, I've been meaning to tell you something for a long time (ruffles through papers)...this song can best explain how I feel about you.

Alexxx: Um, ok....

Acolyte clears his throat and begins "singing" off the paper he holds in front of his face.

Acolyte: I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
and this bottle of beast is taking me home.
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
But you're not alone and you're not discreet.
You make sure I know, who's taking you home.
I'm reading your note over again.
There is not a word that I comprehend,
except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever"

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
and sit alone and wonder,
how you're making out,
and as for me I wish that I was anywhere
with anyone making out

Hammer hears this "singing" from the bedroom and walks out just to see what the hell is going on. Alexxx looks back at him with a quizzical expression on her face while Acolyte continues his display.

Acolyte: I'm missing your laugh, how did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as your pretending.
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets,
and I am alone, in my defeat.
I wish I knew you were safely at home.
I'm missing your bed, I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
and sit alone and wonder,
how you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere
with anyone
making out.

Your hair, it's everywhere,
Screaming infidelities and taking its wear.

Acolyte sings the last line four times as the sheet suggests while Hammer & Alexxx groan.

Alexxx: That's the saddest song I've ever heard.

Hammer: Worst singing I've ever heard.

Acolyte: Back off, man!

Hammer: Dude, you already had your chance. Move on! Go back to being Dante's lapdog or whatever the hell it is you do now!

Acolyte: What did you call me?

Hammer: I didn't stutter, emo kid. You gonna cry? Huh? You gonna cry, boy? What?

Acolyte's face begins to turn red and he clenches his fists as he gets up in Hammer's grill.

Acolyte: Don't make fun of me! I'll find that turban of yours and shove it up your butt!

Hammer: Ooooh, big words!

The two men stand nose to nose, about ready to have a good ol' fashioned throwdown right there in the hallway, when all of a sudden we hear a scream from the driver of the X-Press...

Jay: LOOK OUT!

CRASH!

Everyone in the bus was flung to the front. With Silent Bob landing in an awkward spot with his hetero life partner...

Jay: "Fucking A, I know you liked the cock."

Silent Bob:

The bus finally stopped skidding and came to a complete stop.

Stoner: "Yasmin will go out and check the damage."

Yasmin: "Yeah thanks sure."

Now you gotta understand that Yasmin's just going out and checking out what's going on outside.

Not like they care if the X-Press is damaged, cause you know it's been exploded, crashed into, and painted over many a time.

Yasmin comes back in.

Yasmin: "If I counted correctly, there's a 36 car pile up..."

Ghetto: "Is that including us?"

Yasmin: "Um, then 37."

Ghetto: "37~!!!!!!!!"

Stoner: "Holy crap, 37?!"

Jay: "Fucking cockballs, 37?"

If you didn't get that entire Clerks reference then you, reader, fail at life.

Let's check out what's happening outside...

There's a limo with an angry driver...

"I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!"

Nothing exciting really until we get to a dark green mid-90s Ford Taurus a few hundred feet away where we see a familiar face in Dr. Fontaine, the TCW shrink.

Apparently she's with one of her clients stuck on the highway.

Dr. Fontaine: "Oh I knew we should've gone the long way, and we're just going to grab a bite to eat."

"It's okay I'm doing the diet thing right now, no rush to eat."

Dr. Fontaine: "But I know you need my help and I've made an exception from taking a patient who isn't under TCW contract."

"Yeah, but it's not like you got any regulars at the moment."

Dr. Fontaine: "Well I was talking with Mutaaz."

"That guy is something else, the stuff that comes out of his mouth sometimes, yeesh."

Dr. Fontaine: "Hey look over there!

Patient: "What?"

Dr. Fontaine: "That bus painted in Palestinian and marijuana colors! I recognize it, it's always in the parking lots at TCW events..."

Patient: "Yeah but do you know who owns it?"

Dr. Fontaine: "I may have a slight inkling..."

Patient: "Let's give it a shot hopefully they got some Bud on board."

~Back in the bus.~

Ghetto: "HEY!"

Stoner: "What?"

Ghetto: "Where's my goddamn doobie?"

Hammer: "Umm hello doesn't anyone notice there's a disgusting fat emo bitch on the X-Press?"

Yasmin: "Hammer that's no way to talk about you're spiritual adviser!"

Stoner: "BONG!"

Jay: "Hey that's my word mother fucker!"

Ghetto: "Aco...what the hell you doing here?"

Acolyte: "Well I uh.... "

We don't get the answer because it is interrupted by another presence on the bus, two to be exact.

Fontaine: "Hello."

Yasmin: "We really need to start using the lock on the door, crazy old ladies just come onto the bus."

Hammer: "Hey it's my very helpful shrink!"

Dr. Fontaine: "Hello Mutaaz."

Hammer: "I see that you're in this huge 37 car pile up as well."

Dr. Fontaine: "Yes, me and my patient were on our way to lunch and all of a sudden we got stuck in this mess."

Alexxx: "You're patient? So there's someone with you..."

"Allow me to introduce myself, I am world famous columnist- Steve Cook."

Hammer:

Acolyte: "Nice to see you Steve."

Stoner: "Hey you emo-motherfuckingcockjammer, you do not speak to guests, I oughta kick your ass right now!"

Acolyte: "Bring it hippy boy."

Stoner and Acolyte start brawling like its the Jerry Springer show. Yasmin then climbs on Jabbar's back and starts raking his eyes, Jay & Silent Bob start randomly brawling with Ghetto Fire, and Hammer continues to stare down Cook.

Dr. Fontaine: "I think it's time for some group therapy!"

Hehe~!

Ugh.

We are approaching the end of this story, and Ghetto has gone and written me into a corner.

"How so?", you ask.

Well, we've finally reached the point of the story where Hammer comes face to face with the man that created him. And it's probably supposed to result in some big dramatic conversation that reveals a lot of similarities between a big bad Muslim wrestling Allah and a fat white guy from Kentucky that can't get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of twenties.

OK, so there aren't that many similarities on the surface. I can't think of much I actually have in common with Mutaaz Tareef other than paranoia and hatred from the masses. Actually, I don't inspire that much hatred...apathy's probably a better word to describe what I inspire.

So why is this so hard? I'm not the kind of guy to display anything resembling emotion. I find it easier to keep things like that hidden, especially on the Internet. Easier to play the clown, you know? Given the choice between laughing and crying, I'll laugh any day of the week.

Because lord knows I don't wanna be some emo kid.

Let's get on with it already...

----------

Inside the living room of the X-Press (the only room that doesn't have some sort of crazy fight going on at this point), Dr. Fontaine sits on a beanbag chair across from Mutaaz Tareef & Steve Cook, who sit on an inflatable sofa.

Dr. Fontaine: Who would like to begin this session?

Hammer: I have an issue.

Dr. Fontaine: Yes, Mutaaz?

Hammer: It's with you, Cook. I remember what you wrote about me when I first started wrestling. I believe you referred to me as a "jacked-up juice monkey".

Cook: I didn't mean anything racial.

Hammer: No no no...that's not the part of the statement that offended me. I have never, ever used steroids. Hell, ever since I converted to Islam, I've refused to take any kind of medication for anything!

Dr. Fontaine: I saw you throw those anti-depressants I gave you into the crowd.

Hammer: Damn right. I ain't takin that shit. I don't need any goddamn pills to make me feel better...hell, I've never felt better! Except for the fact that I'm sitting here next to a guy who can't get his damn information straight.

Cook: Hey, I'm sorry if I offended you. But after that initial phase, I became one of your biggest supporters in the whole IWC! I was demanding that TCW put the strap on you a few months ago because I thought you deserved it! You remember any of that?

Hammer: Well, no.

Cook: You know what your problem is, Hammer? You never remember any of the good things people say about you...you only remember the bad. You see everything in black and white, and if somebody disagrees with the way you see things, you isolate yourself from them.

Hammer: This is true.

Cook: I've got the same problem. Part of why I'm seeing Dr. Fontaine, actually. Well, there's a long, long list of reasons why I'm seeing her, but we're not here to talk about me.

Hammer: Actually, we can talk about you all you want because I'm on top of the world. Things could not be better, really. I've got me a new girl, gonna retire from this bullshit after the next show, and then I'm gonna be a big time movie star. How could things be any better?

Dr. Fontaine: Mutaaz, I'm still concerned abou-

Hammer: Blah blah blah blah blah! Sorry Doc, I'm all better now! Alls I needed was to get my freak on! Get your freak on! Go, getcha getcha getcha getcha getcha freak on!

Cook & Dr. Fontaine look at each other with perplexed looks on their faces while Hammer sings the Missy Elliott classic and shimmies just a little bit.

Cook: Maybe that's what I need, eh Doc?

Dr. Fontaine: Well Steve, having sexual relations can at least temporarily improve one's self-esteem. It's usually just temporary, but it usually doesn't hurt unless there's an STD involved.

Hammer: Cook, I'll tell you what you gotta do to make yourself feel better. Plain and simple. You gotta get all the bad stuff out of your life. With me, there was all this pressure to be the best wrestler in the world, right? I used to let the pressure fuel me and make me stronger, but eventually it gets to a point where you realize: "What's the point?" I've been wasting so much time on something that in the long run doesn't really matter, you know? Besides, with this whole Benoit thing, you can count on the wrestling business going into the shitter anyway. Why go through the blood, sweat and tears if the result isn't going to be enough to justify it?

Cook: I'm not really sure what you're saying.

Hammer: People usually aren't. That stopped bothering me a long time ago. Is that beer I smell on your breath?

Cook: Yeah, it's this new Miller Chill stuff. It's light beer, I'm on a diet.

Hammer: Beer increases depression, numbnuts. I remember when my best friend died a couple of years ago...I dealt with the pain by turning to beer and hookers. Not the best of ideas.

Dr. Fontaine: Mutaaz is right, Steve. Perhaps you should cut out the beer even more than you already have.

Hammer: You know what you should drink? S-Cola! There's your plug, Shadow! *winks and smiles at the camera*

Cook: Who are you looking at?

Hammer: You ask too many questions. What are you, a journalist or something?

Cook: No, I write for a wrestling website.

Dr. Fontaine: Hammer, lets get back to you for a second...doesn't it bother you that TCW didn't think enough of you to agree to your contract demands?

Hammer: Hell, I'm happy TCW didn't accept my demands. Now I can move on to the next phase of my life with no regrets. I did everything I could here...so what if I couldn't win the big one? I learned a long time ago that you can't make everybody happy. There are going to be people that crap on my legacy and say I didn't do shit compared to legends like Demolition Man, Lance Evans & Big Mike Watters, or even my peers like Dante, Darkness & Rachel Hunter. You know what? I don't give a fuck what those people think. No matter how many feuds I lost, how many times I came up short in the big matches...there were very few that could compare to me. My work speaks for itself.

Cook: You know Hammer, I really admire your self-confidence.

Hammer: It took me a long time to get to this point, trust me. But you know what? If you don't believe in yourself, ain't nobody else gonna believe in you.

Cook: How do you do that?

Hammer: Well, I just kept doing awesome things until I couldn't deny how awesome I was. Figure out what you can do well, and keep doing it. How old are you anyway?

Cook: 23.

Hammer: Shit son, you got your whole life in front of ya! Plenty of time to turn things around now...unless you plan on wasting a few more years in front of a damn computer.

Cook: But the people love Ask 411...

While all of this psychobabble has been going on, the fights in the X-Press have finally begun to die down. Well, kinda. Jay, Silent Bob & Ghetto Fire left the bus to go smoke some doobies, so their fight ended. Jabbar & Yasmin both blew up and passed out in the kitchen a long time ago. This leaves the Stoner v. Acolyte struggle, which ended at a stalemate after Stoner got distracted by the others smoking some doobies. In case you're wondering where Alexxx was during all of this....hmm.

She snuck up to Hammer's room and started watching some old tapes he keeps around of his matches. Yeah! Anyway, Acolyte limps upstairs, sees her through the open door and heads inside...

Acolyte: Alexxx, can we talk?

Alexxx: OK...

Will Ghetto have enough time to respond before this session ends? Will I have one final post that wraps up all the loose ends of Mutaaz "The Hammer" Tareef? Will Raw really go to three hours? Some of these questions might be answered next time!

The match that Alexxx is watching just happens to be the match where she lost the Aftershock Title in a Thunderdome Match, the match that lead to the whole Aco-incident.

Acolyte: "You know I meant every single word of that song I sang to you..."

Alexxx: "Wow, that's really someth..."

"That's really GAY that's what she meant."

Hammer's voice pierces through the black emo broken heart of Acolyte.

Acolyte: "You need to just step off man, this is between me and Alexandria right now."

Hammer: "Haha...fuck you."

Acolyte: "Oh that was really mature."

Hammer: "You think I care what you're emo ass idea of maturity is, you are nothing but SCUM to me."

As this environment keeps getting more and more hostile let's check and see what's going on outside...

"Anyway you want it
That's the way you need it
Anyway you want it..."

Ghetto Fire takes a huff of his doobie before he utters his first utterance.

Ghetto: "Journey is fucking hardcore, no way anyone can tell me any different."

Jay: "Yeah they are true rock-fucking-stars."

Stoner: "Headbanging time dudes!"

Ghetto Fire, Jay, and Stoner start a mini-circle pit as they headbang to Journey...

Silent Bob, just nods his head and drinks a beer.

What? You don't think Journey is hardcore?....eh fuck off you don't know music.

Steve Cook & Dr. Fontaine just chill and watch the TV and talk until a man is seen in the far corner of the X-Press.

"Everybody...."

Silence over takes everything...

"STAND BACK!"

Everything goes in chaos mode for a few seconds, the bus flips and turns a few times till it turns into a stage, a semi-similar look to a certain wrestling award show's stage.


The screen is black until...

We see Alexxx & Yasmin with poofed out late 80s hair, and Hammer with a bright yellow base on a raised platform.

Crowd applause.

Alexxx & Yasmin: "STAND BACK!"

Hammer then does a sweet bass solo. Follow by Steve Cook, Ghetto Fire & Stoner playing saxophones, even doing some of their own improvised swaying choreography. The saxness is then followed by the harmony of the trumpets played by Acolyte, Jay & Silent Bob, and Silent Bob seems to be going SAVAGE on that trumpet.

Dr. Fontaine & Jessica Alba have joined the other two ladies with their weird hairstyles as they dance in their old school dresses.

Jam Session by the band, as we have a battle of the brass.

AND IN COMES JABBAR looking fly as ever with his goofy steps.

Jabbar:

"I was just a boy
Everybody told meee
What I should do and
Who I should be"

More stylish dancing from the old guy and the four back up dancers.

Jabbar:
"I got no time for your advice
I finally have the say
Stand back (stand back)
Stand back (stand back)
They never understood
The kind of man I am
I do my own thinking
Got a lot of big plans
Stand back (stand back)"

Extremely short but yet savage trumpet solo from Jay, Silent Bob, & Acolyte.

Jabbar:
"Stand back (stand back)
All of you who wanna bring me down
I have news,
Stand in my way
I promise you lose
Stand back (stand back)
Stand back (stand back)"

Hip-shaking dancin' from Muhammad & the 4 ladies.

Now a jam session plus really silly moves from the dancers and spiritual advisor.

Jabbar:
"I never will be just
An ordinary guy
I'll always push harder
Reachin' for the sky
Stand back (stand back)
That's a fact (stand back)
A man runnin' wild
Headed for the top
Never slowing down
And I'm never gonna stop
Definitely you're gonna see a lot of men drop
Baby watch it drop
Baby, baby, baby"

A HARDCORE BASS SOLO- Mutaaz is going wild on that thing, man look at him go, unbelievable, it's hard to believe that he's not faking it!

Jabbar:
"Baby, baby, baby watch it drop
Stand back (stand back) *solos from the sax*
Stand back (stand back) *solos from the trumpets*
Stand back (stand back)
A man runnin' wild
Headed for the top
Never slowing down
And I'm never gonna stop
Definitely you're gonna see a lot of men drop
Baby watch it drop
Baby, baby, headed for top, baby watch it drop
Stand back (stand back)"

Jabbar then points up to Allah and then starts doing a retro disco dance type thing.

Even more awesome solos from the brasses and basses.

And now he's just looking like a slick lizard getting his freak on in the middle of the four dancers.

"STAND BACK!"

The bus then goes back to normal and everyone ends up sitting in the living room.

Steve Cook: "Scandelous!"

Hammer: What the hell was all of that about?

Acolyte: I don't know, but I've had about enough of YOU~!

Acolyte points at Hammer Hulk Hogan style.

Acolyte: Who do you think you are, Hammer? You ain't nothing but an old coot on his way out the door!

Hammer: An old coot?

Acolyte: That's right!

Hammer: I'm only 30!

Acolyte: Shut up!

Hammer: So now the emo bitch is gonna tell me to shut up?

The other assorted people in the room chuckle at such a ridiculous concept.

Acolyte: Who are you to call me a bitch? Last I heard, you'd laid down for every single member of the New Hellfire Club!

Ghetto Grass, Jabbar, Jay, Silent Bob, Cook & Fontaine: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

Acolyte: They've all made you their bitch at some point! And at Endgame, I'll do the same thing!

Jay: You're gonna make him lie down for you?

Acolyte: That's right.

Jay: But I thought you wanted the hot chick to lay down for you. You like the cock or something?

Acolyte: No man, it ain't like that!

Jay: I think it is like that. You like the cock! Hey Lunchbox, he might be your kinda guy!

Hammer, Ghetto Grass, Jabbar, Cook & Fontaine laugh while Silent Bob shakes his head indicating that he does not like the cock.

Acolyte: I hate you all!

Acolyte runs off, most likely to take part in that big vampire fight or whatever the hell it was that Darkness & Dante were talking about in their feud. Honestly, since I'm retiring from this I haven't had the desire to actually read that whole thing yet. No offense.

Alexxx: Poor guy.

Yasmin: What, you feel sorry for him?

Alexxx: Well, he-

Hammer: I feel sorry for him too. So much wasted potential.

Stoner: Yeah, he isn't the same without the weed.

Hammer: Not quite what I had in mind.

Everybody in the room shrugs their shoulders, gets up and leaves the room. Looks like that 37 car pile-up has finally been cleaned up, and everybody can get on their way to.......

VEGAS!

We fade in on your typical Vegas casino. Anybody who's anybody is here tonight. Why? Because it's Vegas, baby. The camera focuses on a poker table, where we see four familiar faces...well, familiar to those who followed this shit back in the 03...

"Where's he at?"

"He'll be here soon enough. You seen the traffic out there?"

"There he is!"

As the strains of a Frank Sinatra song hit the loudspeakers, Mutaaz Tareef sets foot into the casino, alongside Alexxx, Jabbar, Ghetto Fire, Stoner & Yasmin.

And now, the end is near,
And so I face the final curtain.
My friends, I'll say it clear;
I'll state my case of which I'm certain.

Hammer wishes Ghetto Grass well as they head over to pick up some poker chips for the evening's entertainment.

I've lived a life that's full -
I've travelled each and every highway.
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Muhammad Jabbar runs towards the millions of television screens showing sporting events. Little known fact: Muhammad Jabbar is a closet sports betting addict.

Regrets? I've had a few,
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

Hammer looks to one side of the room and sees Darkness sitting by himself with a bottle of Guinness. He looks to the other side and sees Jason Dante sitting by himself with a bottle of Guinness. He chuckles and continues walking.

I planned each charted course -
Each careful step along the byway,
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Hammer stops by the bar, where every member of Infinity happens to be sitting and enjoying an adult beverage and the company of a beautiful woman. Yup, even the ones that left TCW.

Hammer: Boys, it's been a hell of a ride. David, DeSean, TCW's yours now. Treat her well, ok?

The remaining active Infinity members grin and shake Hammer's hand. Hammer waves at the others and continues walking after ordering a glass of water.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew,
When I bit off more than I could chew,
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way.

Hammer looks over towards the other bar and sees his wrestling writing friend get rejected by a rather buxom wench. Cook looks over at Hammer and shrugs.

Cook: Hell, maybe I'm better off sitting in front of a computer Friday nights.

Hammer shakes his head and continues walking.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried,
I've had my fill - my share of losing.
But now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

Hammer looks towards a blackjack table and sees his old friend Pyro jumping up and down with joy as Coren & Zephro Carnelian look on.

"Yay, I won!"

Their British counterpart accompanied by a slutty infidel isn't nearly as happy.

"Bloody 'ell, I'm losing me arse!"

Hammer laughs and continues walking.

To think I did all that,
And may I say, not in a shy way -
Oh no. Oh no, not me.
I did it my way.

Hammer pauses, looks at the cameraman, smiles and shakes his hand. Hammer respects somebody that can follow him around as much as this cameraman has the past two years. Poor bastard.

For what is a man? What has he got?
If not himself - Then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way.

Hammer finally reaches the poker table, where he is greeted by his three stooges and his official ring announcer.

Yes, it was my way.

Michael: Welcome back to America!

Hammer: It's been too long, hasn't it?

Larry: Yeah. How come you didn't invite us?

Hammer: I felt like doing my own work for once.

Curly: Then who were all those people with you?

Hammer: My spiritual advisor and employees.

All:

Hammer: What?

Moe: Nah, it's all right man. You're gonna take us to Hollywood though, right?

Hammer: Why not? Hell, you guys live right down the street from there.

Moe: Oh yeah. I've never been there though.

Larry: Why not?

Moe: Damn liberals.

Hammer: Oy, you're still on the Bush bandwagon?

Moe: Of course! Wait, what kinda bush you talkin bout?

Hammer: Never mind. Good to see you guys haven't changed.

Michael: Looks like you've changed, man. Nice hat!

Hammer: Thanks! It's a turban though.

Curly: Where do ya buy those things?

Hammer: I got mine at S-Mart.

Moe: I love S-Mart!

Larry: Yeah, that's where I met my third wife!

Michael: Wasn't that the one that left you for the surfer?

Larry: No, that was the one that went lesbo and never went back.

All: Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Alexxx walks up to the table and hands Hammer a stack of poker chips. She pats him on the shoulder and heads over to the slot machines, where the other Ghetto Grass members are going crazy.

Curly: Damn Hammer!

Hammer: What?

Curly: I'd hit that shit six ways from Sunday!

Hammer: You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Curly: No, she died a few months ago.

Hammer: Ouch. Michael, you're supposed to keep me up to date on these things!

Michael: Sorry dude, I've been busy since baseball season started.

Hammer: Ah well. You won't be too busy to introduce me at Endgame, right?

Michael: Of course not!

Larry: Are we invited?

Curly & Moe: Yeah yeah are we are we?

Hammer: Of course. You guys bought tickets before the show sold out, right?

3 Stooges:

Hammer: I gotta do everything for you guys...

Michael: Somebody's gotta.

Hammer: True enough. What are we playing, boys?

Larry: No Limit Texas Hold 'Em!

Hammer: All right, shuffle up and deal!

*Fade to Black*