Normal partners take on strange-bedfellows.

OOC- Frost and Kojack, you can read Obsidian's profile in the Bio Archives at the bottom of the main index -OOC

I watched as Buddha flapped around the office. It was pretty nice, much nicer than that Lance guy's. He had always been a pretty big slob.

"Hey, your horse isn't going to eat my bird is he?"

Valerie Stern: "What horse? Oh, my dog? No, he's fine."

"Uh huh."

That was a big freaking dog. When a dog's head is bigger around than my waist, it leaves the realm of canine and enters the realm of the bears. But who was I to argue? I needed the cash.

Commissioner Stern pushed a contract across the desk toward me.

Stern: "It's all there for you to read over and sign. Bear in mind, this is a temporary contract. You're only filling in since both Titan and RDV got called away on personal matters."

"Hey yeah whatever, got a pen?"

I really didn't give a crap who I was facing. I was a force, a beast, a legend in his own time, a--

"Sooooo-- who am I facing?"

Stern: "Your opponents will be Kojack--"

"Telly Savalas?"

Stern: "--and Jack Frost."

"The winter guy? What the heck?"

Finally, I shrugged. They might be good, but me and my partner could handle it, I was plenty sure. Come to think of it--

"And who's my partner going to be?"

Stern paused a second and tilted her head. I hate it when people do that. It means they're about to say something that sucks.

Stern: "Yes, well about that. We weren't able to locate a partner for you. Ultima is not available and all of the other wrestlers are currently booked."

"Man, I love beating around the bush as much as the next guy, but could you just spill it?"

Stern: "It's a handicapped match."

A handicapped match? The last match that I was in almost caused me to become handicapped. So it was me against two guys. Well, I was right about one thing. Her news sucked.

"I sure am glad you hauled me out of retirement for this then. I haven't been beaten up by two opponents since-- my last match. Speaking of, Lance isn't around is he? I don't feel like going all psycho again."

Stern: "No, he's currently inactive here."

"What a pity."

Stern: "I do appreciate this. I know it's not convenient, but your agreement to help is much appreciated."

"Hey, no sweat. If there's one thing I do really well, it's get beaten up by two guys. Who's the champ right now?"

Stern: "You haven't been following the fed?"

For a bright woman, she wasn't very bright.

"I would and all, but the forest, that I live a secluded life of training in, just doesn't get good reception."

Stern: "Oh, well the current champion is Dante, but--"

At this moment, I felt the need to interject my opinion.

"Dante!? But-- he's a jerk!"

Stern: "I think you'll find that many things have changed around here."

"No joke lady."

I touched the tip of the pen down on the paper and started to sign my name.

"So, can you tell me anything about Kojack and Jack Frost?"

Stern cleared her throat.

Stern: "Well, Jack Frost is driven, but pretty angry and Kojack is our Aftershock Champion."

She paused before adding:

Stern: "He's Canadian."

My pen slipped. A Canadian? My only experience with Canadians was with Lance Canada and he was a weenie. Oh, it was game time! I was going to put the whooping on this Canadian. He was going to rue the day that he faced me. He would cry like a baby! He would--

"Hey, what the heck is TCW? That a typo?"

Stern: "It's the name of the new federation."

"What was wrong with the name of the last federation? Don't like vowels or something?"

Stern sighed and lowered her head. I could tell she was really starting to like me.

Stern: "That's just how it is. Have you finished signing the contract?"

I pushed it toward her.

"Sure. Buddha pooped on it, but I'm sure it'll wipe right off. You know ravens, they just crap everywhere. Later!"

I got up and moved to the door, hearing the disgusted noises coming from the Commissioner as she carefully started to wipe the contract clean. Buddha flapped down on my shoulder and gave my mask a gentle peck.

"I hear you buddy. It's weird to be back here."

I moved over to a bulletin board on the wall opposite the Commissioner's office. On it was a card. My eyes drifted over it and I felt my head shake back and forth in disbelief. What the heck was up with this place? Darkness and Dante were part of the same faction? Highone was still alive and hadn't contracted some strange STD? Bruce wasn't around? Well, that part was pretty nice actually. I pulled my gaze from the bulletin board and turned down the hall. Might as well make the acquaintance of my opponents...

*Before he can do that, Obsidian trips over what appears to be a large lawn gnome. Buddha flies into the air so as not to get squished.*

Ron: Hi, you just tripped over me. I'm a lawn gnome!

Obsidian: Since when do lawn gnomes talk?!

*Ron shakes his head. Doesn't this guy watch TV?*

Ron: You must not watch TV much

Obsidian: Huh?

Ron: My stupid cousin is the Travelwhosit gnome.

Obsidian: The Trawhowhat?

Ron: That's what I said! But I guess he's all famous, and so I keep hearing about "why can't you be more like Susie?" and "Susie is succesful, why aren't you?" and "Susie would never be a wrestler, you need to grow up"

Obsidian: His name is Susie?

*Ron nods. It's a long story*

Ron: That's a long story.

Obsidian: I se..wait, did you say you were a wrestler?

Ron: Yup! At the Forum Talk Federation

Obsidian: Where? I've never heard of that place

*Ron pouts. He always gets that reaction*

Ron: I always get that reaction

*The two continue talking, as Obsidian gets an idea about how he'll manage to not be in a handicap match*

"I have an idea about how not to be in a handicapped match!"

I tell you, I was a genius! It was all so simple! The fat gnome guy waddled along beside me. He was a pretty nice little chap. A bit pudgy around the mid-section, but otherwise a nice guy. I bet he was pretty tough. He could stand his own in a fight.

"Follow me!"

Ron: "Ok, I'll follow you!"

I turned around and made a bee-line to Valerie Stern's office. My hand pounded loudly on the door until I heard a voice tell me to enter. As soon as I opened the door, I saw her eyes roll at seeing me. I knew she loved me! Her eyes went from rolling to bulging at the fat gnome that waddled in after me. I pointed at him.

"This is Ron. He's a lawn gnome that wrestles."

Ron: "I'm Ron! I'm a lawn gnome that wrestles."

Stern: "Ooooo-kkkkkk? What do you want, Obsidian?"

I grinned under my mask. It was all so genius!

"I thought of a partner to have in the match against Kojack and Jack Frost!"

Stern looked from me to the gnome and shook her head in desbelief.

Stern: "And that would be--"

She started to point at Ron, but I cut her off.

"Nemesis!"

Stern: "Huh?"

"You heard me! Nemesis! He could be my partner! You must have his number around here someplace! Give him a call! I'm sure he'd be thrilled to team with a liberal woods-living hippy like myself!"

Ron: "You heard him! Nemesis!"

Stern shook her head a moment, leaning back in her chair. I could tell she was about to tell me some great news. It's all part of knowing how to read people. I was an expert.

Stern: "No."

Damn. That hurt.

"No?

Ron: "No?"

Stern: "No. I'm sorry, but we aren't pulling Nemesis out of retirement. Last we heard, he had joined a gay circus in Bora Bora."

Darn those gay circuses! I was fresh out of ideas. I stood up to leave, but paused suddenly. Wait a minute! The fat gnome!

"What about him?"

I pointed my thumb in Ron's direction. He looked from me to Stern and shrugged. Have you ever seen a lawn gnome shrug? Let me tell you, it's hilarious! *ahem* So anyway, I looked expectantly at Stern. Finally she sighed and waved her hand.

Stern: "So be it. If you want him to be your partner, you've got it. Is there anything else?"

"Yeah, Buddha pooped on your desk again. Sorry!"

I walked out, followed by Ron.

"So what do you say, partner? Want to hit the gym for a workout?"

Ron: "I want to hit the gym for a workout."

"Great!"

The two of us made our way down to the gym. It was otherwise empty, as gyms tend to be in these stories, save for three people. One had the distinct look of a Canadian. You can always tell them because of their beady little eyes and flapping heads. The other two bore a slight resemblance to each other, except one was young and drenched in sweat and the other was old and looked royally pissed off at the world.

"Hey guys! Me and Ron are going to work out in here, too! Doesn't that sound like a freakin' sweet time?"

Sue me, I was excited to be in a real gym again instead of using trees and moose antlers and stuff. The forest provides, but it provides in some pretty weird ways. I won't even try getting into how I keep warm during the winter.

Kojack: "Did you say Ron? The Obese Lawn Gnome?"

Ron waddled closer and waved.

Ron: "I'm Ron a lawn gnome."

Kojack: "I know, I just said that."

Ron: "You just said that."

Kojack: "Stop! You're going to make my head explode!"

Ron shrugged. Hilarious!

Ron: "I'll stop."

I looked over at the other two people and saw the older guy ordering the sweat-covered one to do several push-ups. He looked about two seconds from dropping dead from exhaustion.

"Uh, hey man, you want some water or something?"

David Frost: "Who do you think you are!?"

He jammed his finger in my chest and stuck his face right in mine. Clearly, this man was about 51 cards short of a full deck.

"I'm Obsidian, wrestling legend--"

The man cut me off with a scoff. Yes, an actual scoff. What a prick!

David Frost: "Legend! You don't know anything about a real wrestling legend! A legacy of greatness! Who trained you!?"

"Obsidian."

David Frost: "But that's your name!"

"I know."

David Frost: "So-- who trained you!?"

"Obsidian."

At that moment, Buddha decided to make his presence felt by relieving himself. I'm not sure what he ate that day, but it sure made a big mess. Poor David Frost. His head looked better without bird poo on it.

David Frost: "I'll have animal control take that bird away from you!"

He stormed off to the bathrooms. I turned back to Kojack.

"Sorry about your friends head."

Kojack ignored me and went over to his partner, helping him to his feet. They began to walk toward the door.

Kojack: "Come on partner, let's go get those beers."

"Perhaps you didn't hear me! I'm sorry about your friends head!"

I watched as they walked out of the door. Well, so far, we had:

-changed the stipulation of the match
-met our opponents in a wacky manner
and
-managed to have a confrontation in a gym

There was only one thing left to do.

"Come on Ron! Let's go to the same bar that they go to and start a fight or something!"

I tell you, I was really on the ball today. Ron and I made our way out of the door...